Okay, I’ve got my list, I’ve got my reusable bags, and my husband. Let’s do this.
First up: produce. Wow, why does every dish I want to make involve tomatoes? Can you overdose on tomatoes? I don’t know. “Seven of these.”
Which is the cheapest potato? I know there is an actual difference between the types of potatoes, but aren’t yellow and gold really the same thing? Just get the cheapest.
Oh my goodness why are the plastic bag thingys never close to the food I get?! Oh there’s one! It’s empty, of course.
I look like I’m possessed right now, just wandering around looking through people trying to find the green peppers. Oh! There they are. No, you take your time with your little hand-held space-age check-out gun thing. It’s cool. I didn’t just start.
These were $1.49 each last week, and this week they are 3/5. Is that better? Can I eat three avocados before they spoil? I don’t know. Let’s move on.
Okay, meat. Let’s see… holy not okay! Why does this chicken cost so much? Where are these chickens living, Beverly Hills? What is happening?! Whatever; girl gotta eat.
Just pick a cereal from the wall of cereal choices. Why on earth do we need a whole wall of cereal? Also, I thought cereal was, like, the cheap college kid staple? In don’t care. Fact: Honey Nut Cheerios are totally worth $5 a box.
Aaaaaannnd, canned goods. Garbanzo beans vs. chickpeas. They look exactly the same in the picture, and cost the same. So why do they have different names? Which one do I get? Ahh! I can’t choose! What if I’m wrong?! Okay, one of each.
Oh, old people having a nice chat in the middle of the aisle. How sweet. How about moving it along. Make a date, gentlemen. They only make these two-carts wide. That’s it: read my panicking facial expression. I only need two things in the Asian Foods section, so let’s boogy.
Why aren’t the Ramen Noodles in the Asian Food section? They are the most Asian thing we eat! What on earth is galangal? I need to get out of here.
Tuna: 10 of $10. That looks good. What a second, this not-as-colorful, smaller sign on the “Valu Foods” brand tuna is 80 cents each. Haha, you thought you would get me. I saw through your trickery. I saw…
Getting there, just a few more things. Ma’am: that child of your’s throwing a tantrum is in my way, and he’s going to get run over. Smile at her so she doesn’t know you think her child is a waste of space. That’s it. Yell at him for being in my way. Nice.
And we’re off! Wow, this country is way too into frozen foods. We have a problem. But these aisles are sooo much wider, so maybe I should buy more frozen foods. Look at all this space! I could dance in here!
Should I get frozen pizza? That would make things easier. You know what, no. It never looks as good in real life as on the box.
What time is it? What the cuss?! Stop & Shop? More like “Stop & get all your time sucked up while you shop.”
Cheese. My best friend. Get the largest block of the sharpest cheddar you see. Who even cares how much it costs: it’s heaven!!
Checkin’ things of my list, gettin’ closer to the end. Nah nah nah nah
Now, what are these random things left? Of course! The last two things on my list are waaaay over on the other side of the store. Perfect. This store should be arranged in the order of my list. That would be super helpful. Thanks.
Man, I’m hungry. Maybe I should get a snack for the way home. Oh! These ice cream bars look good. 3 bars in a pack!? What the what? Massimo is going to be super bummed when he only gets one.
Now, to search for the shortest check-out line. Scanning, scanning. This looks good. I’ll start putting my food down just in time to notice a much shorter lane to my left. *Puts the oranges on the belt* There it is! Whatever. I’m committed.
Yes, I have a card. Why on earth would I shop here if I didn’t? Git me them points!
$173!!! Is that really necessary?! I mean, look at us. We don’t have that.
Okay, whatever. It’s mine now. Done. I did it! I’m a survivor! Let’s never do that again.