My little brother William is getting married tomorrow in Lima, Peru. I am super duper totally excited for him because he’s marrying an amazing, godly woman named Mayra. And I won’t be there. BUT, as his big sister, who has been married a whole 11.5 months, I thought it was my sisterly duty to offer the young man some solid marriage advice. I’m so much older and so much wiser (which are the only qualifications for offering advice, according to The Sound of Music). We’ve found that these were important fundamentals to keep in mind in our marriage, so we wanted to share them as a little gift to you guys.
1. Every marriage is different.
People always ask me, “How’s married life?” (They will ask you, too. A lot. Figure out a thorough, yet succinct answer fast because you will need it on-hand at all times.) I think that’s such a funny question because I’ve only been married once, to this one man. What do I know about “married life?” I know about my married life. That’s all.
You are unique. Mayra is unique. That means that your marriage is totally unique! And that’s awesome and beautiful and amazing. It’s like this precious little other being that is being born, and you get to spend the rest of your life taking care of it and getting to know it and watching it grow. So when someone says something about “marriage,” or “wives,” or “husbands,” or you have expectations about what “marriage” is like, just check those expectations at the door, and examine them fully before you let them in. Focus on how God made You, and Mayra, and brought you together. Start there.
2. That doesn’t mean I can’t give you advice.
Well, it doesn’t mean no one can give you advice. There are some similarities between marriages (like there are some similarities between you and your pastor, or me and my sisters). Marriage, as we know and think of it, is a sacred covenant. It’s an ancient sacrament that is mysteriously binding you both to each other, and to other married couples down the ages. It’s like becoming a citizen of a new country: you have new rights, new responsibilities, and a new identity. But you are also still yourself. Basically, it’s a confusing and pretty miraculous thing. The point is: be wise and cautious about who you listen to, and set a good example for others
3. You’re giving up a lot, and getting a lot.
I didn’t really know what I would have to give up when I got married. I knew I would have to give up some things, but I really couldn’t comprehend how much everything in my life would get re-prioritized. (You really can’t comprehend it before you’re in it; so just hang on.)
Church obligations, social circles, family, school, work, leisure, health, money: everything gets shifted. It’s sort of like on those shipwreck movies where everything’s cool and you’re on a relaxing vacation, and it’s all, “Who wants another soda?” And then all of a sudden you are lost and you need to make a shelter from leaves and sticks and drink pee to survive. Like, whatever your reality was before, you can’t take anything for granted and you have to re-prioritize and start from scratch. It can get messy, and a little painful.
The good news is: you are getting a partner for the rest of your life. And I can’t really begin to explain how much you gain with a partner by your side, through thick and thin. So try not to mourn the losses and focus on building up and investing in the gains.
4. For goodness sakes make each other happy.
When the terrible, stressful things are happening and it’s just one of those days, what makes Mayra happy? Does she like gifts, or time alone, or time with you, or does she like when you help take over some of her usual responsibilities, or does she want relaxing time away? Like, figure it out (ask her), and do it. (Recall the part where she is unique and everyone’s different and stuff? Yeah, she’s super special.)
Find out what makes you happy no matter what terrible thing is going on and tell her so she can do it. (P.S. Did you know that good communication is A-tops first primo important? Mhm. Tell Her!!! Ask Her! Mayra: Tell Him! Ask Him!!!)
5. Pray pray pray together and for each other.
Pray before meals, pray before bed, pray in the store and in the car, pray when your spouse is having a bad day, when he or she is having a good day, pray when you are upset with him or her. Pray all the time, for all the reasons, especially when you are upset. And tell the other person that you are praying. No matter what else Massimo ever does for me, my favorite thing is when I know he’s praying for me. It’s basically the most loving thing you can do for a person.
Neither of you are mind-readers (as far as I know). We decided early-on in our relationship to not hold each other accountable for something we didn’t know. I can’t get upset with him for something I wanted him to do when I didn’t tell him, and vice versa. Honest, open communication is so crazy important, and non-verbal communication doesn’t count.
There are SO MANY less misunderstandings when you use your words, like our good parents taught you. We are not monkeys; we have a verbal and written language, and that’s why we are able to get married. You don’t see monkeys on Say Yes To The Dress, do you? That’s my point. Talk it out. (And you guys have two languages to use, so you have no excuses.)
I love you both and I can’t wait to see your love for each other and marriage grow over the years!