You know those times when you’re trolling the Internet, or having a conversation, or walking around the city or the mall, and you see something and you just think to yourself, “Why is that a thing? Why was that ever a thing? Can we just get over it already and do something new?”
No? Well, that happens to me – too much. Let’s get creative, people, and totally put this stuff in the attics (literally, or the attics of our minds) because they have so been done.
1. Green smoothies.
Like the Shrek-colored ketchup of 2014, I don’t think I can go on a food blog or Pinterest without someone raving about green smoothies, like they are liquid heaven and you can just ignore the fact they look like, well, someone got sick. What is the deal, anyway? Is it really, truly that much better to drink your salad instead of eating it? I mean, I see that it’s portable, but HOW MUCH do you have to wash your blender for that?!?! No thanks.
2. Mommy Wars.
We get it, you are the most thoughtful, amazing, perfect mother and you are raising the first person to live to 100. Your baby is Chris Traeger and if we only listened to your advice, our babies could live to be 100, too, and solve world hunger, and be President of the world. Thanks for the tip, but is it really worth biting off the head of every parent who disagrees with you? Because, really, here’s the thing: that mom, too, thinks she is the most thoughtful amazing mother and you can’t both be right, so let’s just bury the hatchet, shall we ladies?
They look so cute on the 110-pound hipster-chic I saw on Instagram, and honestly I wish I could pull it off. They look so comfy it’s crazy. But, they don’t always come with room for hips and thighs, and what if my torso is too long and it’s, like, pulling on me. Always. And how do I go to the BATHROOM?!?! For the same reasons I stay away from one-piece bathing suits, I will not, sadly, experience the comfy, adorable look of a romper. So please get it out of my face because I am sad.
4. Repeating words or syllables in pop songs.
This is the musical equivalent of saying “Uh” in the middle of your speeches. But I’m assuming the 15-year-old pop star hasn’t taken a college course in public speaking yet, so let me fill her in: saying “Uh” (or in your case, repeating syllables) is distracting to your audience, soon that is all they are listening to. Also it shows that you having nothing else to say, so you are filling in with a sound. Also it makes you sound unintelligent. So don’t do it. Just be quiet. Don’t be afraid of the quiet.
5. How inappropriate Miley Cyrus is.
“Miley Cyrus takes her inappropriate antics to a new level!” Really?! That’s a headline? When has she not done that? Unless she’s quitting the music industry, wearing a pantsuit, and attending Harvard in the fall, it’s not news with Miley. She is literally always being outrageous. Her “wild” is now her “normal,” so move on.
So, are you also over these things? Can you believe we’re still talking about them? What else do we need to retire?