internal monologue

Thought I Always Have In The Morning

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Morning light streaming in should be romantic and artsy. But I just want to go back to sleep.

What’s that noise? Oh, it’s my alarm. Already? Just five more minutes…

What’s that noise? Oh, it’s my alarm. I just fell back asleep! That’s not fair.

Go back to sleep. Brain, turn off so I can get five more minutes. Okay, that’s not happening. Might as well get up.

Hey, I’m up early! I’m going to have a super-duper productive morning. I will read a book! I will do dishes! I will clean the whole house! And wash my car! But first: breakfast. And coffee.

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Breakfast, breakfast: what will you be? Let’s go oatmeal with bananas.

Oh, these bananas could have gone for a dive in the trash a few days ago. Whatevs. They’ll be all mushy in the oatmeal anyway.

I should probably watch some TV while I eat, since I can’t really do anything else. Hmmm, Netflix, Netflix….

Do I have enough time for a 44-minute episode? Probs shouldn’t risk it. Parks and Rec it is. You can never go wrong with that. Good morning, Tom Haverford.

I finished my food, but Parks and Rec is still playing. I can’t just turn them off. Donna will hate me forever.

Here’s my computer. I’ll do some checking of the internet stuff. Facebook, email number one, email number two, email number three. Just the basics. Then I’m getting up.

Oh, that link looks interesting. I’ll just watch that one video.

What’s that?! A man cracks an egg under water? I have to see that.

Let’s see if my grades are up yet. Click, click, clickety. Why does it take a million websites to get to the one where I can just check my grades? Unnecessary complications.

Still not up. What are those professors doing? Probably sleeping in and not being productive, like me.

Wow, when did the next episode of Parks and Rec start? Autoplay: you got me again.

I’ll just check my Pinterest and get inspired for dinner. Oh, that shirt is on sale? What else is LOFT marking 40% off today?

Hold up: It’s 8:50! I’m going to be late for work. How did that happen?

*I do not have any thoughts while rushing to get dressed, make my lunch, and get civilized for work.*

I guess I’m doing the dishes later then.

-debarbibee

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Thoughts I Always Have In The Grocery Store

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Okay, I’ve got my list, I’ve got my reusable bags, and my husband. Let’s do this.

First up: produce. Wow, why does every dish I want to make involve tomatoes? Can you overdose on tomatoes? I don’t know. “Seven of these.”

Which is the cheapest potato? I know there is an actual difference between the types of potatoes, but aren’t yellow and gold really the same thing? Just get the cheapest.

Oh my goodness why are the plastic bag thingys never close to the food I get?! Oh there’s one! It’s empty, of course.

I look like I’m possessed right now, just wandering around looking through people trying to find the green peppers. Oh! There they are. No, you take your time with your little hand-held space-age check-out gun thing. It’s cool. I didn’t just start.

These were $1.49 each last week, and this week they are 3/5. Is that better? Can I eat three avocados before they spoil? I don’t know. Let’s move on.

Okay, meat. Let’s see… holy not okay! Why does this chicken cost so much? Where are these chickens living, Beverly Hills? What is happening?! Whatever; girl gotta eat.

Just pick a cereal from the wall of cereal choices. Why on earth do we need a whole wall of cereal? Also, I thought cereal was, like, the cheap college kid staple? In don’t care. Fact: Honey Nut Cheerios are totally worth $5 a box.

Aaaaaannnd, canned goods. Garbanzo beans vs. chickpeas. They look exactly the same in the picture, and cost the same. So why do they have different names? Which one do I get? Ahh! I can’t choose! What if I’m wrong?! Okay, one of each.

Oh, old people having a nice chat in the middle of the aisle. How sweet. How about moving it along. Make a date, gentlemen. They only make these two-carts wide. That’s it: read my panicking facial expression. I only need two things in the Asian Foods section, so let’s boogy.

Why aren’t the Ramen Noodles in the Asian Food section? They are the most Asian thing we eat! What on earth is galangal? I need to get out of here.

Tuna: 10 of $10. That looks good. What a second, this not-as-colorful, smaller sign on the “Valu Foods” brand tuna is 80 cents each. Haha, you thought you would get me. I saw through your trickery. I saw…

Getting there, just a few more things. Ma’am: that child of your’s throwing a tantrum is in my way, and he’s going to get run over. Smile at her so she doesn’t know you think her child is a waste of space. That’s it. Yell at him for being in my way. Nice.

And we’re off! Wow, this country is way too into frozen foods. We have a problem. But these aisles are sooo much wider, so maybe I should buy more frozen foods. Look at all this space! I could dance in here!

Should I get frozen pizza? That would make things easier. You know what, no. It never looks as good in real life as on the box.

What time is it? What the cuss?! Stop & Shop? More like “Stop & get all your time sucked up while you shop.”

Cheese. My best friend. Get the largest block of the sharpest cheddar you see. Who even cares how much it costs: it’s heaven!!

Checkin’ things of my list, gettin’ closer to the end. Nah nah nah nah

Now, what are these random things left? Of course! The last two things on my list are waaaay over on the other side of the store. Perfect. This store should be arranged in the order of my list. That would be super helpful. Thanks.

Man, I’m hungry. Maybe I should get a snack for the way home. Oh! These ice cream bars look good. 3 bars in a pack!? What the what? Massimo is going to be super bummed when he only gets one.

Now, to search for the shortest check-out line. Scanning, scanning. This looks good. I’ll start putting my food down just in time to notice a much shorter lane to my left. *Puts the oranges on the belt* There it is! Whatever. I’m committed.

Yes, I have a card. Why on earth would I shop here if I didn’t? Git me them points!

$173!!! Is that really necessary?! I mean, look at us. We don’t have that.

Okay, whatever. It’s mine now. Done. I did it! I’m a survivor! Let’s never do that again.

-debarbibee