If Buzz Words Were Honest

“Scratch-made, farm-fresh, all-natural bread.”

Buzz words are words that mean a lot more to your subconscious than they do in real life. A few are regulated by the FDA, but most are not. Couple these buzz words with some fancy packaging, including the right font and colors and the food producer/blogger/Pinterest link/magazine has almost got you.

But you and I are smarter than to be tricked by silly buzz words, right? We know better, obviously. Just in case you don’t, here is your handy guide to what those silly buzz words actually mean.

Natural: All the unhealthy stuff in here is not made from plastic.

Organic: I’m betting you don’t know the actual regulations for what is “organic,” and you’re going to buy this because you think it has more nutrition.

Farm-fresh: This is probably not a chocolate bar.

Homemade: Expect “rustic” elements, like an uneven shape or more timid color.

No artificial [whatever]: We never had that artificial [whatever] in here anyway, but you never cared. Now you think it’s an improved product and we’re cashing in.

Gluten Free: This is not more nutritious or more delicious, but you will pay more for that drier, nutty taste.

Detox: You will be hungry not long after eating this, and you will spend more money making this even though it’s about as “detoxing” as anything else you eat.

Green: Salad greens were harmed in the making of this product.

Power: There may or may not be protein involved here.

Clean: No one knows what this word means. Simply no one. But don’t you think of clean laundry?!

Raw: You will eat this cold.

Scratch-made: This will take you a long time to make, but if you have someone to impress then this will give you plenty to brag about!

Fresh: The food with this label is either now or was at one time in its natural state.

Small Batches: You will get to tell people this was made in small batches. Bonus points for being “local.”

Since [whenever]: The company that made this product was not always in existence. Someone, at some point, decided to make it.

Cure: This food has a strong flavor, which will make you believe it’s working. It might work.

Diet: Less flavor. Probably weird ingredients.

What are some other buzz words you see on packaging, ads, and Pinterest?



5 Things I Could Really Go For

Monday I made a friendly PSA, announcing 5 things I’m really over and we can just put aside until further notice. But what are we going to do with the empty space left when we take green smoothies and Miley Cyrus out of our conversations and the media?What will we talk about? What will be make? What will happen?

Here are 5 ideas that I came up with in about 35 seconds (so think what you could do with a whole minute of using your brain?!) And these are only suggestions – there are literally endless possibilities. So let’s get that creative juices flowing!


1. One of the Kardashian sisters should get a pixie cut.

When Kim went blonde? that was…. meh. If they really want to switch it up – and grab some headlines – maybe one of them should chop that impossibly long, thick, heavy hair. Just do it. You must be tired of it by now at least a little bit….I know I am. They always have the craziest long hair and I’m just wondering what one of them would look like with short hair. Do it. Do it. Just do it.


Case-in-point: I got this image from I’m not kidding.

2. Someone needs to explain this Ryan Gosling thing.

Maybe it’s because I never saw The Notebook, or because the only movie I have seen him in was Lars and the Real Girl, but I never really understood why Ryan Gosling is supposedly like – the perfect male specimen. I mean, can someone fill me in? (Although I was a big fan of the feminist Ryan Gosling. Well done, Internet.) Everyone got so mad when they found out he was having a baby with what’s er face. Why? Calm down. And fill me in.


3. A Pinterest link-verifier.

How many times have you pinned it, and then you go back to make – I know, like .05% of the things you’ve pinned, but still – and the link is BROKEN?!? Or you have to sign in or pay for access to that vital information?!?! Or the link just sends you to some other site where the photo exists, but there is no information? WHAT am I going to do with THAT? We need a link verification on Pinterest so these dinner-time disasters don’t happen.


4. Sporks should make a comeback.

According to some, these are still in existence, but I have not had a confirmed sighting since that one picnic in 2001. It’s two utensils in one – what is not to love? They may not be the most glamorous of the utensil world, what with chilled salad forks and mini butter-knives around, but they still have a place. And I, for one, would love if Target started carrying them on a regular basis to really take our parties up a notch.

We need this. America needs this.

We need this. America needs this.

5. Another show as hilarious as The Office, as smart as Parks and Recreation, and that makes a statement like 30 Rock.

You know that horrible time of year when you find out your favorite show gets cancelled? And you think, “That’s okay, I still have these other shows I like.” Well I had that, too. Until ALL MY FAVORITE SHOWS ENDED, and NOTHING awesome replaced them. Add to this my lack of access to television channels and my serious dislike of buffering commercials on hulu, and I’m stuck with the rejects and out-dated series on Netflix. So not only do I need a new AWESOME show, but I need it three years ago, so it will be available for streaming. Get on that, NBC.


How Pregnant Are You On Social Media?

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With all the talk about asking your boss to pay for your birth control these days, I thought I would take things to the other end of the spectrum and talk about another issue plaguing our society: over-sharing pregnant women on social media. We get it, you are growing a human being inside of you and that is a pretty big deal, and probably exhausting. I’m super happy for you and maybe your thirteen Facebook posts a day are your way of documenting this magical time in your life, I don’t know. But I do know that there is such thing as over-sharing on social media, and pregnant women (and what they will soon become – new moms) tend to be a pretty big culprit in this area (though not ALL pregnant women – thank you!).

To find out how pregnant your social media platforms are, just take this simple, quick quiz. And remember, we all over-share sometimes, but it’s never too late to stop.

1. Is your profile picture your ultrasound photo? 3 points

2. Is your cover photo your ultrasound photo? 2 points

3. Are both your cover photo and profile picture your ultrasound photos? 15 points

4. Is your round, nude pregnant belly your cover photo? 20 points

5. Are there any nude (or look like you could be) maternity photos of you anywhere on the internet? 25 points

6. Are at least two out of your four most recent Instagram photos pregnancy-related? (this includes photos of your bump, swollen ankles, baby clothes, and/or food you’re eating thanks to “eating for two!”) 5 points

7. Have you complained on social media at least twice in the last week about stretch marks, cravings, lack of sleep, or “feeling enormous!”? 5 points

8. Are you more than three days passed your due date? -5 points

9. Have you made more than two statements to the effect of how you can’t imagine your life before you got pregnant and everything in your whole world is now and always will be for this infant? 7 points

10. Do you have a Pinterest board for every phase of this adventure? (Ex: Maternity Clothes, Pregnancy Food and Exercises, Breastfeeding, Nursery Decor, DIY Babyfood, Potty Training, Early Education, etc.) 10 points

11. Could I or any of your other 863 Facebook friends tell you when you had your last doctor’s appointment? 5 points

12. AND the appointment before that? 8 points

13. Does my news feed get clogged with updates on how big your little fetus is – daily?! (He’s a grapefruit?! Ohmygosh!) 10 points

14. Could your friends/followers tell you when to go to the hospital, thanks to your updates every time you have a contraction? (“Um, your status three minutes ago said you had a contraction, and now this one? You need to get steppin’ girl.”) 12 points

15. Did you make your announcement on social media the second you found out about the baby in your tummy, even before you told you mom/husband/boyfriend/sisters? 20 points

16. Did you make the announcement with a photo or video of a positive pregnancy test? 15 points

17. Have you ever made a statement on any social media platform about the grossest things you’ve experienced due to your pregnancy? 30 points

18. Could I, a virtual stranger, except that one time we took geometry together in ninth grade, fill out your intake forms at the hospital for you, just by browsing your extensive medical information you’ve shared on social media? 25 points

Add up your points, and heed the advice below:

First Trimester: 0-35 points

You are barely showing your pregnancy on social media! You may be hiding it, or you may realize that not everyone needs to know every detail of your nine months of growing a person. Congratulations! I hope you maintain this perspective well on into motherhood. You might want to take some pics of the baby, ya know, for the scrapbooks. But that’s all, really.

Second Trimester: 36-75 points

You might be over-sharing. Consider adding some diversity to your posts, like talking about the gorgeous weather, or a really fun place you recently went (NOT the doctor or birthing class). Finally, before you hit ENTER and share some news, think about maybe just texting it to a couple interested friends instead, like 2/3 of the time. That way they will feel special that you are including them in your journey, rather than annoyed at reading the same stuff on their Facebook feed every day, like a commoner.

Third Trimester: 76 points and up

Okay, everyone knows it: you are definitely an over-sharer. You not only need to stop posting about your pregnancy, you probably need to take a sabbatical from social media all together. Don’t worry, no one will miss you hour-by-hour status updates, letting us all know what you are craving. In fact, some people may thank you. And you can come back when you have the baby, but be warned: social media is not the place to announce every diaper, tear, smile, and nap. They have baby books, and cameras, and phones for a reason.

When you are tempted to make a post on social media, follow these simple steps:

1. Ask yourself who would get more use out of this information: that kid you sort of had a crush on in middle school but never even danced with, or your doctor? If it’s the doctor, don’t post it; proceed to the doctor. If it’s the kid from middle school, I don’t think you understand the question.

2. If the answer to number one is “Meh, not really that crucial,” then ask yourself this: did I post virtually the same thing (status update, photo, video, or link) yesterday?

3. If the answer to number two is “Yes,” then send it to your mom via a private message. If it’s “No,” then save it for later, and come up with something else to post about.

Friends and connections on every social media platform thank you for your consideration. And we’ll gladly post a “Congrats!” on your wall when the time comes, if you’re into that sort of thing.